The Sexuality Snare, Stabilizing Hormones and the HeadAs I had my early morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column captured my eye. A reader composed in with a dating problem and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to obtain love, and men use love to get sex." This is a terrific summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where songs interpret excellent sex as love. But those who fall under the Sex Trap go even further because for these singles, making love carries enormous significance and repercussions.
Songs fall under the Sex Trap in one (or both) of 2 methods:
A.they believe sex is a essential test of compatibility, (if the sex readies then the relationship will ready too).
B.more frequently, all awareness goes out the window, and one or both previously level-headed songs consider themselves a committed couple as quickly as they make love.
So, rather than looking at whether this other individual may be a match on levels other than physical destination-- such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to stay connected with reality when all those hormonal agents are cutting loose. Our body responds to somebody we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), that makes the chance to make love with somebody we are brought in to very tough to resist. After orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical responses are strong and involuntary , causing effective sensations of destination, enjoyment, love, well-being, and closeness .
When issues emerge, those who fall into the Sex Trap typically rationalize by believing, "Well, we've got issues, but the sex is great!" They most likely would not confess it, however they prioritize physical intimacy and relate to the rest as optional. Their primary scouting tools are sexual tourist attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says that a lot of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.
" For gay guys especially in urban locations, sex is easily offered, which in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its focus on physical look, motivates sexual activity. If a prospective partner is going to be sexually suitable, many gay guys desire to find out from the starting. Why waste your time if the sex isn't really going to be good?".
However, North adds, "I think this is a ' person' thing instead of a 'gay' thing.".
I do want to explain that chemistry is essential. Yet, chemistry is a provided that we can't manage in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the collaboration to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry occur, though often it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship like this based upon sexual chemistry danger relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication diminishes and truth hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must stabilize your heart (and hormonal agents) with your head. This implies integrating chemistry with good sense. While great sex is essential for a sustainable relationship, you have to make your partner options by paying complete attention to your vision, requirements, goals, and worths -- while feeling all those interesting sparks!